The one secret I’ll never tell my best friend

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The one secret I’ll never tell my best friend

Over the past few years, my best friend has been doing things that have made me question our friendship.

Whenever I share something positive in my life, like a promotion or an exciting opportunity, she never shows any enthusiasm. It’s like my wins barely register. She doesn’t support my endeavours either. I’ve organised a few online events and webinars for women in a specific field, and she didn’t attend a single one, even though she works in that exact field. When I told her about my promotion at work, she left me on read. She knew how close I was to my grandma, and when I let her know she had passed away, her response wasn’t comforting at all.

Loving louder than I’m loved

I’ve been too afraid to confront her about any of this, so I’ve stayed silent, but I can’t shake the feeling that this friendship is very one-sided. I do so much for her. I celebrate all her wins and milestones. I’ve shown up for her and her child. I check in on her regularly. I’ve bought her birthday gifts every year, and I even had flowers delivered to her home when she was grieving. But she’s never shown that same kind of care towards me.

The painful truth is that I’ve been resenting her for years, and she has absolutely no idea. I’m literally pretending to like her. I would even go as far as saying that my love for her is fading. I’m upset with myself for allowing this to continue and pretending that I’m okay with everything. I think what keeps pulling me back is that we do have good moments together. She’s good company when we do go out, we have fun. I love her kid too.

My best friend knows all my secrets, and I know hers. But the one secret I’m carrying now, the biggest one of all, is that deep down, I resent her for how she treats me, and I don’t think I’ll ever be brave enough to tell her.

2 responses to “The one secret I’ll never tell my best friend”

Waiki

6th Feb 2026

Thank you for sharing this. My view is that that there will come a time when you will have to be honest and transparent with her. It may give her something to think about. She may actually reflect on her behaviour, and take your feelings into consideration. Honesty is an important part of friendship and while it may feel uncomfortable, you need to make her aware of your exact feelings. Find a loving, caring way to approach the situation and open up the conversation. She may surprise you and take it much better than you think. And if this doesn’t work, it may be time to reconsider the friendship altogether. You deserve better. Love, Waïki

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Anonymous

2nd Jun 2026

Sorry to hear about what you are going through BUT the good news is, it is not uncommon. I would suggest you confront her about it and find a way/set-up that allows for that conversation with an open mind (there are so many tools online e.g. conversation cards, etc). I have had the unfortunate experience of a friendship break-up. Years later, I still mourn our friendship and have accepted it. A few things to help you navigate this:

1. I believe in divine protection and guidance: take time to pray about the friendship before you bring it up. God will guide you and as they say “He hears conversation in rooms where we are not present”
2. Be prepared for the outcome to be different from what you anticipated i.e. she might respond well and apologize, or it might be the opposite: she will take offense and cut you off. Be prepared for both: if she does cut you off, God has done you a favour. That friendship had run its season, and it was time to create space for something else/someone else
3. Examine your own doing. For e.g. in my case, I am VERY private: many of my friends know that but it does not mean they accepted it well. In fact it started creating a lot of resentment that I did not notice. I showed up at birthdays, I was the bridesmaid, I would buy thoughtful gifts and help babysit if/where required. I just would not share my life in great details i.e. relationships, promotions, travel, etc. This was primarily the reason for my friendship break-ups as it communicated mistrust unfortunately: I was brought up with discretion as a virtue (i.e. if you want things to work out, don’t say anything prematurely). I recognise this as a problem in today’s oversharing culture, but at the same time my upbringing has influenced me and it is also difficult to explain across multi-cultural relationships/friendships
4. Give yourself grace: I have grieved my “best friend” for over 5 years DEEPLY (tears, prayers, unsuccessful attempts to reconcile, etc.). Are there things I should have done differently: yes! Was it time for our friendship to end? HELL YES! She was VERY CLEAR about a particular event being the reason why we should no longer be friends: although her reaction hurt me, I’m glad she stuck to her guts: It’s dangerous/unhealthy/toxic to keep someone around that does not feel the same way about you. I still pray for her, I wish her the best but our paths no longer need to be tied to each other sadly.
5. Look at her behaviour towards others: This was THE BIGGEST revelation for me. My “best friend” had multiple misunderstanding sometimes with her family, sometimes with other people. In my eyes, they were ALWAYS justified. OFFCOURSE other people were the problem because my friend was AWESOME, and I LOVED her to bits and what do you mean you were going to cause problems for my girl and I just stand there watching: NEVER not me! Lol, until I became “those other people i.e. problematic and automatically cut-off from her life”. Yep, there was a pattern I was just too blind to see it until it happened to me.
6. Acknowledging that being in different seasons can shift the focus and dynamic of the friendship (it definitely does not sound like this is the case here, but thought I’d mention this nonetheless). For e.g. this happened to me with a few friends when I got married, then moved to a job with busier than expected travel… Similarly I also noticed a shift of focus when a close friend first got married and then became a mother of 1, 2 and then now 3 cute babies. She is overwhelmed ALL the time juggling work, family and trying to be there as much as possible for her kids and husband. I don’t expect her to show up for spa date, or concerts, etc. but she shows up in other ways (hospital when I had to have an emergency surgery, calls me to pray, venting partner for job madness, etc) and I have learnt to value the parts she’s able to give to me.

Sending LOADS of hugs, this is difficult but you are the good person for asking yourself these questions about the way you feel. Remember “good people also have bad thoughts”, it’s just about what you do/don’t do with them.

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