It was early 2021. The word “Covid” was still on everybody’s lips, the world still felt like doomsday, and many of us were contemplating fresh beginnings, ways to start over and reinvent ourselves. I thought about moving to a different country, or perhaps taking a career break for a couple of years and travelling the world. But the reality of my financial situation quickly hit me and brought me back down to earth. I would just have to suck it up and continue the rat race for a while, at least while I figured out a more feasible plan for my life.

That’s when a new manager started in my team at my corporate job. He was charismatic, intelligent, and I soon found out, married.

I was one of the designated senior staff members tasked with showing him the ropes and introducing him to other teams we worked closely with. During his first few weeks, we got to know each other, met regularly to discuss work-related things, and over time I slowly began to learn more about him on a personal level. He had peculiar interests and hobbies, the kind I hadn’t really heard of before. The kind that made me want to dig deeper into who he was, perhaps over a drink outside of work hours…

Or was that too much, too soon? And inappropriate, considering the ring on his finger?

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Resisting the thrill

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I held back. Yes, he was friendly and sweet, but he was also very committed to his wife, who he spoke about often and very fondly.

We exchanged phone numbers at one point, as he had asked me to send him a link to a specific product I’d bought a few days earlier. The attractive new manager had my number. Something about this felt very exciting, but also wrong. Would we start texting outside of work? Who knows.

Despite me being very single and flirtatious by nature, I had to remind myself often that boundaries were necessary. Not only was he a colleague, and a new one at that, in a very corporate environment, but he was also taken.

So I held back. Again.

Until I couldn’t anymore. That fateful day at work, I lost all composure and told him I liked him. He frowned at me.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

I repeated, “I really, really like you.”

I don’t know what took over me. I don’t know what I was thinking. Did I even like him like that? To this day, I’m actually not sure. I think it was just the thrill. I laughed nervously and told him to pretend I hadn’t said anything.

“No, wait…” he said. “What do you actually mean?”

I had dug myself a hole I couldn’t get out of. I wanted to die in that exact moment. I replied awkwardly, “You heard me. Don’t make me spell it out.”

He then pointed at his wedding ring, gave me the weirdest side eye and whispered, “Let’s not do that,” before getting up and going back to his desk.

My heart sank, not because I’d been rejected, but out of embarrassment and shame. I had done something I never thought I would do in a professional setting. I had shown myself to be incredibly unprofessional, and worse, disrespectful towards his wife. This wasn’t me. It wasn’t the person I was.

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Loud and wrong

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Looking back, I now realise he had given me no sign whatsoever. No mixed signals, no hints I could have misinterpreted. Not one flirty word, nothing. He was simply friendly. Nothing less, nothing more. I don’t know why I mistook his friendliness for something more. He was clearly just trying to build rapport with me professionally, with no ambiguity.

We never spoke about the incident. We both moved on, and our work relationship was unaffected. But the embarrassment never really left me. It still keeps me awake at night.